A Toy's Story Crack! fic
by princessangelwings
Summary: inspired by the toys i recieved for christmas! i got a sheppard doll! hehehehe
1. Chapter 1

A Toy's Story

Stardate 3142… no, I can't. It's too sad, even Rodney wouldn't start his 'I'm stranded in a strange mockery of life diary', with a Stardate. The thing is, I have no clue what date it is. Hell, I'm not even sure I'm awake, because seriously, this has to be some kind of Monty python-esque nightmare. I don't know how much time I have on this, well I suppose the only word is gigantic laptop. Okay, that's two words. Let me start at the beginning…

My name is LT Col John Sheppard of the USAF and until recently I was based at a very secret location. I can't disclose anything about it. Sorry. Protocol you know. Anyway, I don't remember how it happened, but I appear to have found myself in the land of the giants. No really, I shit you not. Someone took me out of this box, and I mean 'someone', as in a person, a real, normal person. Except for the small (no pun intended) matter of her being about 1000 times larger than me. She seems to be quite nice though. She obviously thinks I'm dead or petrified or something, 'cause the one time I moved (I'd been out the box about an hour, I'd been still until then for recon purposes) she freaked out, picked up a wine glass that I could have drowned in and left the room. She came back a few hours later, having quite clearly drunk the remainder of the wine and then some. She started to talk to me. She picked me up in her hand, and moved my arms and legs around. It was so freakin' wrong. Like I was her toy… I've seen children play like that, did it myself, with small, plastic action figures. My preference was arranging battle scenes with Han and Luke.

Only, I'm not a damn action figure. Yesterday I was a person. I need to get back to Atl… my base. Can anyone help me? I'm alone, none of my team are here. I can't even begin to formulate an escape plan- I need more information.

Damn, gotta go. I think I hear her coming back up the stairs.

Please, HELP ME!!


	2. Chapter 2

Mitchell's turn

Would be great if Sam was here - get me out of this mess with someone sort gadget.  
I'll fill you in on the details.

I woke up in complete blackness, unable to move and no idea what the hell was happening. My body felt odd and I had no memory of getting here. Several days later I was still stuck like this until I saw some light appear and the lid to whatever the hell I was in was removed. I was taken out of this 'box' to find I was encased in some sort of clear plastic type material.

A face appeared in front of me, she mentioned the words whumping and thunking. This may be code for some sort of torture; I must not reveal information on the Stargate program at all costs. The encasing holding me in place was removed and I was freed from my prison. I had a P90 placed in my hand, before I could act I was prodded in all sorts of places and this person attempted to remove my clothing. For some reason she failed it was then that I realized - my clothes were plastic and PAINTED on. This race look like us but a lot bigger - even spoke English. I think they refer to themselves as 'fangirls' from what I could hear.

I heard this person talk about Sheppard, if Sheppards around here somewhere I have to find him. Find out what the hell is going on here.


	3. Chapter 3

A Toy's Story –Sheppard part 2

I've finally decided on a way to document my time here in this hell-hole. Notches. Primitive, sure, but affective. The window, above the huge bed, has the most wonderful view of rambling hills and farmland. I know this because 'she' put me on the windowsill because, in her words, "I'm going out now, John. I'll put you here so you don't get bored."

Then she kissed my head. I though I was gonna die. Seriously, just one of her lips is like the size of my frickin' arm! Nice smile though. Shame about the obviously mental issues. Like I said, she is pretty nice to me.

I've calmed down somewhat now. I know now *what* I am. Had it pointed out to me in numerous fun and Technicolor ways. The care bear, on the bookshelf over by the door, told me. Then the fucking little Mermaid - Ariel to my friends' hun ;P - chimed in, confirming my, well, I was gonna say 'worst nightmare' but when drawing up the list, I gotta tell ya, waking up a plastic action figure, didn't come within 4 feet of the list. It fact, I'm pretty sure that particular worst nightmare was out of the country at the time. It was Cuernavaca!

I will kill anyone, by the way, who tells Rodney how long it took me to figure out what I am. Or how long it took me to come up with the 'notches' thing. That's a secret that I'll be taking to the grave. Oh… I've just thought, since I *am* a plastic action figure can I even die? Would I have a grave to take my secret to?

Damn it. Now I'm gonna be stuck with philosophical thoughts all day. Day… Oh, yeah I was explaining how I know days begin and end. The window. Sun comes up, sun comes down. I use the safety pin I found on the desk to add a notch to my boot. Well, it is plastic after all.

I think I'll go see Ariel, she mentioned something about a 'new arrival' to love-a-lot bear. We've been mildly flirting since I got here… who knows this place might turn out to be alright!


	4. Chapter 4

A Toy Story Fic - Mitchells' story part 2

I've lost count of how long it's been. Days are mingling into night, then back into days,  
but I'm still trapped in this casing. From up here I have a good view of my prison, I still can't work out why I am now plastic and maybe it is some sort of technology of this race to create clones to gain information. If this is the case I have no idea where my physical body is then.

So far I have learned that they are a lot like us. The one keeping me imprisoned seems like a lot like the girls from home - but with more piercings. Also I'm not keen on her taste in music. She seems to spend a lot of time changing her clothes and applying make up. Not that I've been looking at her naked. Ok I may have peeked a bit but when I've been observing her getting dressed and undressed every day how could I not. I even witnessed some 'naughty' acts with a male member of her race.

Daniel would love to take a look at their social habits - it seems they gather in groups to drink cider or rose wine – and not just a glass or two. She keeps coming back into the room late at night and stumbling her way to bed.

She's not taken me out of this prison for awhile - just left me here. Last time she did take me out a huge cat was smelling me and shoved it's butt in my face. Seems their life forms are a lot like ours – maybe, this is even an alternative reality I some how got sucked into. Damn where IS Sam when you need her.

I've noticed I've not felt hunger or thirst. Odd - I wouldn't mind a cold beer though.  
If she won't take me out and give me a chance to escape, I'm going to have to find my own way out.

Wait, what's that? I think there's someone here with me  
Have to go…


	5. Chapter 5

**A Toy Story Fic - Mitchells' story - THE ESCAPE**

I left suddenly in my last entry

Thought I heard someone coming.

It was just the hamster kept in a cage next to me…

As some of you may know, I have escaped the clutches of the evil fangirl keeping me imprisoned.  
This is how I did it (all without the help of Sam or Daniel).  
Once I came to the conclusion that I was in fact a toy, I came up with various ways to escape.

First time it didn't work. The cat picked me up and was chewing on me. Not good.

My second plan worked ALOT better.

While the fangirl was out of the house, I freed myself from the packaging with my sword, logged onto her internet and bought a replacement of me on the internet!  
4 days later my replacement arrived. I had to get to the post before the fangirl; I tell ya that was quite a job. I then had to drag my replacement into my spot.  
Once he was in the correct position I found an envelope with an address on it - the sender, from what I gathered from over-heard conversations, is in the possession of Sheppard!

And so with a giant pen I wrote out this address – he clearly needed rescuing you see -then hiding in the envelope waited to be posted. The fangirl posted me without even known it!

I spent quite a time in the post and I tell ya those posties are rough with the packages! Good thing I'm plastic!

I will now spend my time kirking the universe with Shep as my side kick (just don't tell him that).


	6. Chapter 6

The First date...

So, I finally plucked up the courage to ask Ariel for a date... see me, grinning like a loon!  
we sat... her on a rock, me on part of Barbie's Malibu Beach house, which I 'commandeered' from the room next door.... talk about eye-candy.. Those Barbies... ahem, anyway. We talked... she giggled.... I rested my hand on her back. She even showed me her famous Japanese-tail-trick. Boy is that image embossed on my mind. Jeez.

It was all going so well, until…

CAM!!! What the hell are you doing here! And why on earth are you pointing a zat at me?  
Ohhh, are you plastic too?

---Cam nodded---

ah, that's too bad, man. You do know you're still pointing a gun at me right?

What the...! OF COURSE I'M THE *REAL* JOHN SHEPPARD!

No, I can't prove it, numb nuts!

---Cam- looks indignant---

actually they *are* numb! You're PLASTIC remember!!! Jeez - I could have had Rodney, who *knows* stuff!

What do I get? YOU!

You, who is basically ME!!! WHO THE HECK THOUGH THIS WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA???

Eventually, Cam believed it really was me...

.So that's nice to know

Of course I'm fairly sure he could have done it *without* trying to remove my plastic clothes. Oh, and BTW WHAT THE HECK!? Plastic clothes? Why hadn't I worked that out? I can just see Rodney rolling his eyes *right* now!

I think Ariel got a bit pissed of with me, but you know what it's like when two military guys get together!

I figured I'd better introduce them.

"Ariel, this is my old buddy, Cam", I said, desperately trying to win her back.

She however, was having none of it. Talk about cold shoulder. Jeez. So Cam gave it a shot,

"Hey, I'm real sorry to be intruding upon... er, this", he threw his hands up in the air, exasperated.

Join the club, boy-o. Then she did something I didn't expect (but I really should learn to 'expect the unexpected' where women are concerned). She turned around, nice a pie, and started talking to Cam. I thought, brilliant, maybe this date *is* salvageable...

then again, maybe not.

And McKay has the audacity to call *me* Kirk! Ha! He should see this guy in action! The worst part? Okay, parts.

1) He probably looks better than me in leather- not bitter, I swear.

2) He's a fellow SG person, so I *need* him on my side, so I can't punch him in the head for stealing my girl!

3) There is NO BEER!!!

I think I may cry... "Hey, Love-a-Lot, fancy a hug?"


End file.
